tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84392213173275647332024-03-21T21:23:19.669-07:00Asperger's Women : Challenging the Stereotypes!Understanding how Autism Spectrum Disorders can disguise themselves as other disorder such as OCD, Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar, etc. Many women with Asperger's have lived it just as I have. Please support my blog and pass it on!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-27701082758193315162015-03-22T00:49:00.001-07:002015-03-22T00:49:12.189-07:00Asperger's Disorder, Bi Polar, ADHD - Why Didn't I Just Hit the Lottery?So, you tell me. Would you call it simply crazy, incredibly unlucky, or an absolute blessing that I was assigned the life that I lead? How about you? How would you answer this question for yourself?
I mean seriously, according to statistics, 5.5 million Americans age 18 or older, or 2.6 percent of the adult population is afflicted with Bipolar Disorder. A recent survey conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Mental Development estimate that 1 in 500 people (0.2% of the general population) have some form of Asperger’s Disorder. And finally, we do know that an estimated 1 in 30,000 adult males and 1 in 100,000 adult females struggle with some sort of “gender identity” issue.
Wow! Talk about hitting the genetic lottery! So why is it that my kids and I were blessed with all three “afflictions,” as opposed to say, being blessed with the winning ticket for Power Ball … or perhaps being blessed with winning the state lottery, or even a scratch ticket for heaven’s sake!? When I really think about it, I tend to think that it is for all the same reasons that devout Christians point to. “God will never give you more than you can handle”, “God gives you the children you have because you are the only ones that are able to handle them.” Really? Well what if I can’t handle them? What if my husband and I can’t handle them?
Well, considering the above I CHOOSE to believe that God has given us these two precious and broken children because we CAN handle them, even though we may not want to handle them. I’m not saying that we don’t want to raise our kids, what I’m saying is maybe we don’t want to deal with Bipolar Disorder, Autism and Gender Identity Disorder. Who wants that? Are we being punished for some reason? Or are we raising the next Van Gogh, Bill Gates or Albert Einstein? I choose to believe the latter! Yes, right now I choose to believe that God has blessed us with these afflictions, and that one day, after all the struggling, heartache and pain, we will find out what God has in store for our little family.
So what about you? What are YOUR “afflictions”? What has God blessed YOU with? Will you decide to give up and let life run its course, not believing that you are suffering for a greater reason? Or are you going to do like me and figure out why you have been hit with the genetic lottery, which didn’t payout money? Should we all decide together that the payout is something better than money? Something longer lasting and more eternal? More rewarding? Could the prize be in the form of our children becoming the next C.S. Lewis, the recipient of the Noble Peace Prize or the next President of the United States of America?
Yeah, I’ve decided. I’ll take my children and their…excuse me, OUR afflictions, over a million dollar winning lottery ticket. After all, isn’t it more rewarding to work for a paycheck as opposed to winning the lottery?
Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-81939328162315255592013-03-30T14:55:00.001-07:002013-03-30T14:55:43.774-07:00<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script>Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-32449472398325185912013-03-30T14:50:00.001-07:002013-03-30T14:50:15.522-07:00<object width="300" height="360"><param name="movie" value="https://images.elance.com/media/flash/widget/profile/profile-widget-300.swf?userId=5328689&catId=&defaultTab=0&rid=3CKBA"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="false"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="https://images.elance.com/media/flash/widget/profile/profile-widget-300.swf?userId=5328689&catId=&defaultTab=0&rid=3CKBA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="300" height="360"></embed></object>Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-52222869387385582752013-03-19T16:42:00.000-07:002013-03-19T16:42:05.278-07:00Hi everyone! I have an old article that I was about to publish on an online writing site; however, I decided that I would rather pass it on to my followers instead! I wrote this article sometime around 2008. Enjoy! And please share your comments & click a couple of ads if you liked the article. : )
Girls are Aspie's too!
Young girls with Asperger's Syndrome; it could be called an oxymoron. Who would ever guess that an otherwise exuberant and athletic child would have AS? Located on what psychologist's call the autistic spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome is also referred to as high functioning autism. Experts report that only one out of about every ten children diagnosed with AS are female. There are many reasons for this in my opinion, the most likely being the fact that female Aspie's such as myself have practically made a career out of hiding our real feelings.
I never in a million years would have believed that I had Asperger's Syndrome; then again, never in a million years would I have thought that I needed glasses either. See, aspies are often completely out of tune to their environment. Some explain it as if they were a balloon floating through the air, unable to connect with anyone or anything meaningful.
I never understood that I had to learn social and verbal cues through other children, that I silently watched every social cue that they displayed. As a child I just did what I did. I didn't worry about what others thought. I was insanely good at sports, I was usually the team leader. As a young girl on a sports team, comraderie was key. I didn't need to put forth much effort to connect with my team-mates. By the time of Junior High, however, I learned that socializing and friendships were a language that I didn't speak, or even understand for that matter.
In analyzing my teenage years, all that comes to mind is pain and frustration. Frustration that those who didn't understand me didn't care enough to try to understand. I actually related better to my teachers than I did to my peers. I could have been a straight A student, but instead of focusing on studies, I attempted a 4.0 in socialization. I had know idea that my skills were by far inept. I remember wondering why I walked around with severe anxiety, ruminating in my mind over what stupid thing I said on this day, or some embarassment over a missinterpreted social cue.
Some say that Asperger's Syndrome is actually the extreme male brain. I can sometimes relate to this theory. My neurology was quite different to that of any other girl that I knew in my high school years. I didn't understand why girls would hug each other or share the same drink. All I could think of was what germs I would get if someone even touched my hand. I couldn't connect with anyone on such a level. This left me on the outside circle. I had friends, but I was unable to be a part of a larger social group. My friend had to be my friend alone. It wasn't that I was possesive you see, it was because I couldn't focus my attention on more than one friend at a time, if I did I would become exhausted.
Now, at 32 years old, there is so much that I will be able to teach my six year old daughter. She is the mirror image of me when I was six, only cuter and spunkier. Having already received an AS diagnoses for my eight year old son, I was sure that my daughter would have Asperger's as well. Testing for young females such as my daughter doesn't leave much room for speculation. I know that my daughter has AS, well, because I lived it my entire life. I see the same signs that I myself displyed, only to be left behind with all of the other underachievers.
How then does a parent help a child that is too young to truly diagnose? Listen to them, understand them, and love them. Had more people taken the time to understand me, I believe that life could have been much, much easier on me. Who would even know what sign to look for in order to diagnose an autism spectrum dissorder? I suggest that you keep on reading my articles as I plan to walk anyone interested through the details of my life, a woman living with Asperger's Dissorder. Please stay tuned!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0Park City, UT, USA40.6460622 -111.4979728999999840.549682700000005 -111.65933439999998 40.7424417 -111.33661139999998tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-25863925706815852972013-03-18T18:14:00.000-07:002013-03-18T18:15:28.043-07:00Where have I been? Why haven't you followers screamed at me for hiding out in Utah for so long? Well, thank you friends for continuing to take quick peaks to see if I've been okay, because I'm back, I'm back, I'm back!
I'm back and I've learned even more! What have I learned? I've learned that an aspiemom can have Asperger's and other co-morbid conditions too. : ( I mention this because in my hiatus I discovered that I'm also bipolar. The official diagnosis is: Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. Wow! Let me tell you I was floored! By the way, I'm not psychotic like an ax-slinger or bag lady, but I'm definitely a little screwed up.
What I'm getting at here is that those of us with Asperger's Disorder need to realize that being an "Aspie" doesn't explain <i>everything</i>. Screaming at Direct TV because they failed to refund my last three months service (I didn't use it), well that's not an inherent personality defect...that's me being pissed off that I didn't watch my account statement better. Now snapping at the representative because she told you that she wouldn't help you? The snapping, depending on how fast the snap commences, is an inherent personality trait AND most likely Asperger's annoyance.
So you might be wondering if I'm relinquishing the title of Aspiemama. No, I'm not. Bipolar is an affliction: it's cruel, it's annoying, it's fateful, it gets worse...
but it doesn't define me. Bipolar takes from you, Asperger's adds to you. Bipolar is a disease much like diabetes. I will always need to take medication.
One thing bipolar isn't however, is my fault. Asperger's isn't my fault. It's not my son's fault. It's not yours or your loved ones fault.
It's an amazing re-wiring of the brain that leaves us just a little out of it, but fully amazing and genius and sometimes....strange.
Finally a plea. I make a promise if you do... I will continue to write in my blog with absolutely no inhibitions. I will write every day, I promise. : ) I ask that you tell me how YOU are doing too. I don't want to be a narcissist here. And finally, do me a favor if you can. I'm a home school mom that needs to make some extra money so I can stay home. Click on the ads that you see on my blog, because when you do... I get paid ; ) I like getting paid. God Bless!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YO6wwRNEOWRsQ9mhDXRxUQSmgNXTfSiTVzeWS8dYvYUqiUoqch5A_7d-PBH91u3H1g06m6ZKb7jtzHqmVsTjPa4G5mIJCb0f6hk_V5UYWfF8RwkV5QSNlb4svzaqa6RhV7R4cx92X2M/s1600/image.php.jpeg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YO6wwRNEOWRsQ9mhDXRxUQSmgNXTfSiTVzeWS8dYvYUqiUoqch5A_7d-PBH91u3H1g06m6ZKb7jtzHqmVsTjPa4G5mIJCb0f6hk_V5UYWfF8RwkV5QSNlb4svzaqa6RhV7R4cx92X2M/s320/image.php.jpeg" /></a> Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0Park City, UT, USA40.6460622 -111.4979728999999840.549682700000005 -111.65933439999998 40.7424417 -111.33661139999998tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-76800777169272655392011-03-18T11:03:00.000-07:002011-03-18T11:14:43.442-07:00Moved AgainI can't believe what motivation I lost with my writing projects such as my articles and blog. Perhaps its because we have moved again...this time to Utah. Its so cool to be able to ski whatever day we want to while homeschooling my kids. I enrolled my daughter into the 3rd grade in public school here in Park City. After 3 weeks of school my daughter started to tell me that she had no one to sit by at lunch and sometimes no one to place with at recess. She did have her best friend Michael to place with, which brought back memories and an understanding of why an aspie girls best friends are many times boys. Boys are typically low on drama. Even in the 3rd grade girls can be especially mean and aloof. After speaking with my daughters teacher I was told that Ellie had been invited to play with some of the other girls, she just didn't want to because the girls didn't want to do what Ellie wanted to do...which is to play "wolf". My daughter has this fascination with Wolves, probably because we have a husky 1/4 wolf dog named Kanek. He is much more wolf than dog. He grew up with the kids and is the most loving animal one could have. Getting back to my daughter though, she will not accomodate other kids interests or wants if they don't match her idea of fun. She also had her best friend and neighbor "drop her" for no reason. This was her only female friend and I myself couldn't understand what went wrong. I tried to reach out to her mother only to be shut down yet again. After this I have hidden, unable to understand or accomodate any friendships in my life. So my plan is to continue to post on my blog, further my writing career and help out in the field of autism in any way that I can. I appreciate your perspective on my ideas and goals.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-75288237824065243112010-07-13T12:57:00.001-07:002010-07-13T13:04:46.473-07:00No motivation has kept me awayNo motivation...keeps me from writing and even thinking of writing, updating blogs, etc. At first I feel as if I can obtain the world...write a book, finish my articles, write for the autism society...but then I crash and I can't manage to do anything but the minimum self care and mothering. The kids are more difficult now then ever. New revelations about myself and my daughter. Not only do I have AS, I also am bipolar I. Trying to seperate each disorder's symptoms is confusing and frustrating...there are so many overlaps. So many well meaning doctors telling me that they suspect Bipolar and a personality disorder because I don't fit the "typical characteristics of AS". This speaks to the fact of what us AS adults must contend with; both for us and our children.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-24627644212924624252009-12-16T12:46:00.000-08:002009-12-16T12:57:56.266-08:00Wow is all I can say...Wow. I will never doubt my AS diagnosis. Yet a new revelation into myself. I went to a new doctor. A doctor that has been here forever, a very well respected man. We started talking about my Asperger's diagnosis and the amount of medication that I have had to take. He said that he is very suprised at the amount of Seroquel that I take, and as such, and in his reviewing of my file, and after a long string of questions and answers, he told me something that I never would have guessed. He thinks that I have co-morbid bi-polar disorder. Usually I would dismiss any doctor that makes light of my AS diagnosis. See, when one doesn't suffer from very low depressive states, they assume that they aren't bi-polar. However, he stated that the AS characteristics are there, however, the night terrors and continued anxiety that I face, despite the high doses of ssri and antipscyhotics proves that we are dealing with more than just AS. True, as in my last post, AS can be manifested in many ways, many that are very similar to bi-polar. But as we started going over my apparent cycles of ups and downs, it seemed to fit. I do have periods of mania that have led to impulsive situations. Overspending, bad relationships, fights, starting things when I feel "up", stopping things when I am "down". It fits, and for some reason, the signs have been hitting me lately, very strong and all around me. I could never understand why I was so up and down, but mostly down. TThe biggest of his concern is that we get this handled or diagnosed, if it is what it is along with AS...because I explained my often thoughts of suicide that intrude my thought patterns. I told him "I would never do it, I coudln't do that to my family". His answer made sense, like my grandmother, after the kids were raised and gone, she killed herself. She was bi-polar. What if one day I did do it? I think of it all the time...but I love life too much. I just know that I need to keep on towards my goals. As my doctor said, I should be functioning in society. And then he told me I was adorable. Gee...that was nice of him. So...I am exploring the idea that this is co-morbid for me. We will see how the medication helps me. I am cautiously optomistic. I will keep you tuned.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-8310320809310395672009-12-07T16:51:00.000-08:002009-12-07T17:18:15.697-08:00Its been a little while since I have updated my blog. I could say that it's because I have been busy, which I have, yet truly it is because I fell into a "non-blogging" funk. Sure, I had two kids in school, one who is in the process of getting an individualized education plan (IEP), I also had a lost and then found dog, lots of paper work due to moving from ID to WA, and a couple of ski days. Yet, really, if I had wanted to blog I would have. Today, though, something motivated me to catch up in my blogging world.<br /><br />Blogging to me represents what is great about community. While being in my own community I can join Asperger's support groups, or even go to the UW for my kids, yet I don't like to be pinned down to any one group, set of friends, or even a particular mood that allows me to make and sustain a friendship. I have gone into hiding, basically, to everyone but my family. Facebook friends can find me, and maybe I will end up hanging out one day soon, yet I feel better just being alone in my own routine, working on my family, writing, and helping my kids in school. Okay, to go back to the reason I felt like blogging, oh yeah, on Oprah today she brought back the CA family that has the 9 year old schizophrenic daughter. I feel for that family and little girl, because usually schizophrenia doesn't serface until middle age or at least the teen-aged years for the most part. <br /><br />That show really made me think. I have heard that there are many similarities in disorders such as Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar, OCD, to Autism Spectrum Disorders such as Asperger's or "high functioning autism". Having lived my life with Asperger's Disorder, I truly can understand such similarities. The remaining blog is about how I found this out...<br /><br />As a child I lived in my own world. Sensory issues bothered me greatly, yet when I could be alone out on the 10 acres where I grew up, I was truly in another world. This world was beyond what one could call imagination. I was so engrossed in this "other world" of forest, fairies, adventures, and imaginary play, that I lived it. Every day was the same thing, it was as if I was a part of this world, yet I knew the difference. <br /><br />Still, my decisions in engaging in such long hours of imaginative play, sometimes brought negative consequences. Consequences that started small, yet moved to bigger problems as I grew older. What was first fun imaginative play became time consuming obsessive play, in which I had to be in my alternate reality. It seemed that hours and days were lost in such play. My ability to interact with others seemed to only be able to occur when my imagination was involved, dragging them into my imaginative world, and withdrawl pains if I was forced to be in the real world. How true this became when I was a teenager and my imagination turned to pain, as I couldn't really have what I wanted and obsessed about. Reality for me was a mix of imagination and real life, whereby in order to have some sort of a social life, I had to keep my "other world" secret. I wasn't ever encouraged to explore my imagination in my family, yet my first grade teacher helped to bring it out when I won my chance as an author. I won the "young author" award and was sent to a young writers conference. Sadly, no other teachers encouraged my writing, and therefore I didn't continue writing until I became an adult.<br /><br />So where was I? Oh, I was explaining why these other disorders are so similar to ASD's. As a woman with Asperger's I struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, I struggle with imagination vs. reality, wants vs. needs, and how to maintain a friendship. I can't control certain things that I am thinking, what I mean I can't always keep what I am thinking to myself. If you spend any fair amount of time with me, you will discover that you will generally hear every detail about my life within the first couple of hours. If someone says something that I don't agree with it, I will literally feel as if I will explode until I set them straight. I can only call or talk to friends at certain times, say after a strong cup of coffee. Otherwise I can't fathom the idea of being social. I feel paranoid often. All of high school I felt as if everyone was pointing at me saying I was a loser. If I say the wrong thing, or God forbid speak too soon, or shoot out an angry e-mail; well, I will obsess about it for days and not be able to calm the anxiety. It sucks! I hate it, however, despite years of hating myself, I have learned to love myself. How else could I understand my world, or my children, if I didn't learn to love myself and see how God could fill the empty space in my heart. <br /><br />Finally, God did fill that empty space. I have thousands of bad decsions and situations that I have been in and still can't understand. The one thing that I have learned is that God loves me and fills that need. He has shown me that there is a world of people out there just like me, parents with kids just like mine, and women who have lived a life of hurt because they just "didn't fit in." So, if I say you are my friend and don't take the time to call you or email you, its not because I don't care, its just that I just can't always handle "people". Not specific people, but people in general. <br /><br />More as I learn more about myself...stay tuned.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-61487263418426826102009-11-21T12:04:00.000-08:002009-11-21T12:21:26.543-08:00Nothing Compared to AverageI just went to the doctors this morning because I have had a cold that will not go away. My new doctor asked me what my diagnosis was that led to my taking Seroquel. I told him Asperger's Disorder. It was nice for once to not hear questioning or unbelief. Instead he said "I know a woman whose sister has Aspergers, and she finished graduate school, was very smart, but she did live with her sister for her entire life." Doesn't that sound familiar. Another Aspie woman who is either unable to live alone, or unable to function. Really, I can look at myself and say, "exactly!". I lived at home with my parents until I was 21, and then I was living with my husband for the past eleven years. Never really becoming succesfull at anything, and here I am, back at my parents house, living with my two children. <br /><br />It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try or what my goals are, inevitably, I mess them up. Regardless of whether it is with my school, career choices, marriage, I will ultimately mess things up eventually. What do they call this? Failure to launch! However, I have launched many times, I just haven't landed! At least I have a husband that has many skills that make him employable. Still, we live on next to nothing and while we want more for our children, we at least know that they are loved and understood. So, my urge to attain something for once in my life will fall in priority to what my children need. They need their mom to understand them. I am their advocate. Understanding is something that I never really got growing up. I was loved and taken care of, but no one, let alone myself understood why I acted the way that I did. I have been longing for that understanding by people for years. It seems that it had become the goal of my life. Will anyone understand me? Truly? Who knows. I am too crazy to be understood most of the time, yet I blend in with everyone else. That, I believe, is what really makes it difficult. I blend in, so I don't fully have an excuse to act the way I do...so I hide it; the eccentricity, the anxiety, the jumping from one thing to the next like a teenager. Just being me is like being an 18 year old that must repress acting like an 18 year old...else I will simply look crazy. Does anyone else get what I mean?Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-19045557681560148302009-11-19T10:30:00.001-08:002009-11-19T10:46:10.838-08:00A Big MoveLast week was a whirlwind for me. I had a big decision to make. Stay in Idaho where my kids could continue at their school, and raise the kids alone for the winter season, or move in with my parents in WA. There were many pros and cons to both, yet I knew that this decision would have to be one that was made out of humility as opposed to strength. I don't have too much strength you see, I barely function when put into difficult situations. I have always had my husband as back up. Finally, after weeks and days of going back and forth, should I stay or should I go? I went! I packed up the house and went through what seemed like thousands of papers and documents and put everything that I didn't need into storage. After I finally got everything put into its proper place, the kids and I, plus two dogs got in the car and began our new journey in life. <br /><br />Now I remember why people in Seattle drink so much coffee. It has rained almost non-stop since we got to town. I unpacked most of our clothes and enrolled the kids in school. My daughter, the social butterfly, loves school. My son pretty much hates school, but the local elementary school has staff and a principle that take pride in assimilating children with special needs into their program. Halleluja! This means my son can be enrolled in a half day schedule. Half homeschool half public school. If I had that choice when I was young life would have been much easier! So on to new things. <br /><br />The OCD in me wants me to continue to stress about my past life in Idaho. How do I catch up on the bills that I need to mail over? Will the house rent so that we don't need to pay for the house to sit empty. Will my health converage transfer into Cobra on time? I can't go without my Seroquel for even one night, I will turn into a fiending nut-case. I will start to go through withdrawls of no sleep, headaches, vomiting and anxiety. Its not a pretty picture. This leads me to wonder what would happen if there were some catastrophe where I couldn't get ot the pharmacy. Well, there kind of is a problem, I can't afford my medication without the cobra insurance kicking in. I pray that it will catch up soon.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-4924479200537835362009-11-11T17:40:00.000-08:002009-11-11T17:52:45.674-08:00A Broken HeartThis morning was a typical morning for me, my daughter refused to put her clothes on to go to school. She screamed and cried for a good half hour, and I finally had to dress her as she was crying and leaning in for hugs. Finally got her into the car and then she was as happy as can be. My son got himself ready, and typically, someone will throw a fit every morning. As usual, my son continued to say that he hated school and didn't want to go. On the car ride down, I could tell that he was waiting to let out the tears just before it was time to go to school. My daughter gets out of the car and the tears in Christian's eyes started flowing. And then he said what I knew I would hear at some point during the school year, "no one likes me, I have no friends, even the one friend I thought I had won't play with me at recess." My heart sunk. I knew exactly how he felt. I knew how the sounds, noises, smells, and social atmosphere can make any kid crazy, but a kids with Asperger's means its pure torture. At that moment I realized, I can't make him go in. I can't force him to stay in school. I needed to work with him one on one. Sending my child to school when it makes him feel how I saw him feeling made me want to cry for him. I remember, it wasn't fun, in fact, it was torture. As I went through the many options in my mind, online learning, one on one curriculum, skiing as a stress release...I had to do it, I have to homeschool him. I had previously home schooled him the past two years. I thought he needed to go to school to learn how to be social. What a joke. He is social and he has a group of best friends where we live. How would school help him any more? It just made him miserable and sad and angry. And then I realized the full extent to his problems with learning when I went to the parent teachers conference this afternoon. His teacher looked at me and said "he's failing, he needs special ed." She said that he does fine one on one, and he is bright, but he is kind of in his own world and so frustrated because everyone else "gets it" and he doesn't. I love my boy with all my heart. My heart breaks for him when I see him go through what I went through, socially that is. He has such genious and spark in there somewhere, we just need to find what brings that out. Of course, computers, video games, sledding, skiing. He loves all of these things, and he is pretty good at them. I need to show my boy the world. My daughter might be able to handle school right now, but I know what my son needs. I feel horrible that it has taken me this long to realize it, yet again. I am my sons advocate and I am his teacher. I know what he is going through, and only I can help him.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-46339308913155027502009-11-07T23:29:00.000-08:002009-11-07T23:37:34.895-08:00The Roller Coaster of RelationshipI just recently read an article about couples where one person is bipolar. The amount of agony that the non bipolar person had to endure was something close to what I feel the non Asperger's partner needs to put up with. Mood swings, break ups, cold shoulders, and the innability to follow through on promises. This sounds incredibly close to what I have dealt with my entire life. There are times when I can put everything I have into a relationship, to the point of almost taking on the other person as the reason for my existance. The next thing I know, I am no longer any good for that person any longer. I then become cold and remote, hiding my true feelings, and the blame sets in. Previously I would only see the fault in my self. Next I will see the fault in my perceptions of the relationship. Giving everything that you have in order to make a relationship work is exhausting enough. Fighting off the attention from another person after you have found out what you have previously put up with is difficult. Then, the panic in the fact that you just might not be able to ever live without the person that you have ridden this emotional rollercoaster ride with. Trying to be what your partner expects you to be is difficult when there are other people out there that will accept much less.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-39107957141393022822009-11-05T22:22:00.000-08:002009-11-07T09:42:19.922-08:00OCD the Diagnosis Within the Diagnosis and Medications to AssistUnderstanding Asperger's Disorder is complex enough, yet to add the many other co-ocurring symptoms and diagnosis makes psychologists and psychiatrists scratch their heads. Luckily for me, my psychologist is multi-dimentional in our treatment plan. Weekly visits not only gives me someone to unload all of my thoughts on, but as a Christian Psychologist, we are able to combine cognitive therapy within a spiritual outline. I was told early on in my therapy that counseling needs to be within the perspective of my navigating life with AS. We don't attribute everything to AS symptoms, however, with symptoms too numerous to list, the conversations usually lean towards obsessive thought patterns and the anxiety that these patterns cause. As he put it, Asperger's is a multifaceted Disorder. Within it lays many symptoms and co-occuring diagnosis'. Officially, my diagnosis under Axis I: Asperger's Disorder, Axis II: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as well as Generalized & Social Anxiety Disorder. My psychiatrist called it Social Maladaptive Disorder, whatever that means. A google search didn't turn up anything useful for me to understand that one. Still, while reading the psychologist's reports, my family doctor started me on what a clinical director once told me was "the magic bullet for Asperger's". The magic bullet? Wow, I couldn't wait to try it. The first few months were brutal. Just 25 mg of Seroquel and I was nearly falling down the stairs to sleep. See, Seroquel, when taken at the lowest dose is an effective sedative. Unfortunately it took me three months to get to 100 mg's. The med was prescribed in order for me to overcome night terrors and paranoia that I have suffered with for the past 20 years. After reaching 100 mg I realized that I was literally a "zombie" in the mornings. I just couldn't function. About the same time my doctor also put me on Celexa for the anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive parts. After telling my doc that I was literally seeing things at night, and hearing "voices talking to me"...he raised an eyebrow and sent me to Coeur d' Alene for a psychiatric eval. I was told that for the effects that we were trying to achieve, I would need to move up to 300mg of Seroquel, and it would be tough the first week, but once I get through it, I would notice a world of difference. Wow, was he right. For the first time in my life I was able to sleep through the night, no voices or visions or night terrors. Similarly, I was more alert in the morning and able to carry out my day without anxiety. Still, the OCD issues still affect me. While there are medications that we can take to help with the OCD, cognitive therapy is an important part of the plan. Today my psychologist gave me some important directions in managing my obsessive thought patterns. This is what the Seroquel is supposed to help with...the explosion of impulsivity that would normally cause me to reply back with a vengeance of anger and finger pointing. It takes two to keep a friendship healthy, therefore, this is something that I need to work on, if I truly care about my friends, and I do care. I just have a difficult time showing it when I would much rather keep in touch every day for a month, then no contact for three months at a time. Hard to keep friends with that schedule. So, my psychologist gave me directions to deal with the obsessive thought patterns. The four R's: Relabel, Re-attribue, Refocus, Revalue. This really helps, and to be honest, I was ready to fire a really rude text back to my friend tonight...but instead, I used the four R's and now I'm a believer! That means I can keep the few friends that I do have and not go crazy over the arguments that would normally cause us to engage in "text wars". I think I'm on the right track!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-21813009671127478012009-11-05T10:48:00.000-08:002009-11-05T11:31:17.031-08:00Sometimes We Know that We Know that We Know!I am starting to realize the amount of honesty and humility that it takes to write this blog. There are so many aspects of an individuals personality to begin with, let alone a person with Asperger's Syndrome. So what makes me any different from anyone else in the world? Everyone has their own issues, and I know that it might sound "self-serving" to complain all day long. The truth is, people with Asperger's are oftentimes unable to cease complaining. Whe we see a world with problems we wonder why it can't be fixed NOW. We typically are black and white thinkers. We don't always understand grey areas. When we want to get a point across, we NEED to get it across NOW, even if it means hurting others feelings. Some people, like myself, can create enemies wherever we go. I dont' blame this all on myself, because we oftentimes attract the same types of people over and over again. We don't like to do this. Many of us can control it to a certain degree. To be honest, I can't hardly control it. When someone says something that I don't agree with, I can shut my mouth and let it eat away at me. I can typically control myself in this situation. Yes, I might go away thinking how everyone is wrong and I am right, yet there is sometimes a certain topic that launches me into full attack mode. And what about the times when we know that we know that we know we are right? There are times that us aspies really are getting it right, and the general public would agree with us. Still, it doesn't matter because if one person doesn't agree, then we will make it our lifes ambition to be sure that person fully agrees...and quick. This all plays into the OCD aspect of AS...and something that I will post on next because it affects me so acutely.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-49609017932162173772009-11-02T17:08:00.000-08:002009-11-02T17:22:41.118-08:00Functioning in RealityI don't believe that I ever function in "reality" very well as a child. In fact, I don't think I function too well in reality now, however, raising two kids on the autism spectrum reminds me of my days in school. Many good memories, like any "normal" person, yet today brought back some very anxious memories. My 10 year old son warned me earlier in the day that he didn't want to go to school. Usually when he acts this way I will make an attempt to bribe him or make him laugh. Today both worked, for a while. The bribe, an X-Box 360 for Christmas wasn't close enough to grasp for my son, yet he still got out of the car. I saw a tear beginning to form in his eye and I knew it was because he didn't want to circumnavigate in society today. Many days he is just hit with "sensory overload". See, we both suffer with Sensory Integration Disorder meaning the bright lights in hallways, funky smells in the classroom and annoyingly loud recess bells are enough to send us into a fetal position. Okay, not literally any longer...but I could related. So, I watched the clock as my son's father and I placed bets on how long it was going to take until the "I'm sick come get me" phone call came. It came three hours later, just as I was walking into my Christian Yoga class. "Mom, I'm just not feeling good. My stomach hurts and I have a cough." Well, he did have a cough today, but I know he just really wanted to be home. Previously my ADD tendancies forced me to stop homeschooling and put him public school. So, no suprise, and I went to pick him up. I went home and made sure he went to sleep. This gave me hours to relive my hundreds of perfectly vivid ( and sensory infused) memories of what it was like for me in Junior High and High School. You see, I made a career out of playing sick. I don't know how I passed any of my courses. If I remember, I was late about 30 days out of the quarter, and absent about 25 or so. I hated school with a passion. All of my autistic symptoms got in the way. So...I stayed home and watched daytime television. I knew if I heard the People's Court upcoming commercials...I had made it! Freedom from my NT classmates, teachers, and panic attacks. Later on I skipped school to go Skiing at Crystal Mountain instead. Much better trade off. So...why am I a writer and not working in a cubicle? Because I wouldn't show up! I would be excited for maybe a week, and then I will come up with any excuse to not be there...even if its threatening to go to the nut-house (not meant to offend as I often belong there). So, two things I learned today #1 An aspie brain remembers past experiences with annoyingly vivid memory (including all the senses), #2 I can understand why my son had to stay home from school today. Homeschooling is probably around the corner!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-25757258553783323192009-11-02T10:35:00.001-08:002009-11-02T10:35:46.303-08:00Aspie Women and NT MenWhile I know that AS isn't a mental illness, I have found that I function so much better since my diagnosis. Still, life for me is anything but typical. I am married to a man who is NT, but who has probably adpoted a lot of my social isolation techniques (haha). I think that I was attracted to him because he was always the life of the party, and for me to function socially, I needed someone who was a social butterfly. Now what I have found in the last ten or so years is that many man are attracted to women who have characteristics of Asperger's. This is what I have found. I have been told that I have a "sweet and nieve" way about me. This can lead to a frienship with a man and to be honest, I can not be friends with men. It doesn't work. Attractions will form and then things get complicated, next the friendship has to end abruptly and rudely. Still...I have had a couple of male friends (while being married) whom didn't have a problem with making me their close friend or buddy. These men are mostly NT, yet they also seemed to suffer from some personality / addiction issues. So, my crazy attracts crazy! I just had to end a friendship with a guy that I liked to mountain bike with, but there was no reason to continue being his friend because we couldn't date, I'm married. So, why be friends with guys? It will always naturally want to lead to the next emotional level of a man / woman friendship. Doesn't work. I hate that it doesn't work...but for me it won't.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-79803061527915855102009-11-02T10:34:00.001-08:002009-11-02T10:34:56.433-08:00Surrounded by Chaos! Moving is this Aspie-woman's Nightmare!After picking my kids up yesterday, I walked into one of my biggest nightmares! A house in disarray, empty and full boxes mixed together on the floor. Medicines, pumpkins, school supplies, toys..."UGH!". My brain goes into overdrive just looking at the room. And this is just one room, the great room in my house! I'm obsessive compulsive by nature, which is common for a person with Asperger's. In fact, OCD isn't usually diagnosed separately from AS, although my "diagnosis sheet"...or "crazy sheet" (as I refer to it) lists OCD under Axis II; usually OCD is just expected as a co-existing condition or underlining symptom of Asperger's Syndrome. So, where does this bring me back to? Oh yeah, the house. My OCD causes me to expect order in my otherwise un-orderly world. For example, if I face a window head on, I feel compelled to count each side of the trim two times on the left, accompanied by two toe taps from the left foot, and then two toe taps on the right foot, followed by both hands, etc. I never really recognized that I did this as a child, yet I do remember rocking sideways and back and forth in high school...just enough to make things feel "even and orderly" in a world that terrified me so much. And NO, no one seemed to notice this (or, that just contributed to my weirdness). In fact, I remember the most calm when I was behaving like a gitty elementary student at my desk. I'm sure the teachers attributed it more to my not being able to sit still! So where was I again? Oh, yeah...packing. So far today I managed to get the kids off to school, take a nap, drink a cup of coffee, and write a blog. The house is still in shambles! Books are everywhere, and I have to mention that before I can pack my OCD book, I need to read a little more. Right now I am learning about how to decrease my OCD symptoms...more on that later! By the way, have you realized that my attention doesn't stick on one track? Yeah, thats a problem too. Big problem in the work environment. So, to sum this post up, I am sitting in an environment of boxes and un-orderly things that is causing me great distress. Still, even though I am extremely uncomfortable, I will tone this out until I spend a good 8 hours on the computer writing...until I finally freak out and need to start cleaning. Another AS trait? The innability to start and complete projects! ME, ME, and ME!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-2327056827989003502009-11-02T10:31:00.000-08:002009-11-02T10:33:41.671-08:00Calling All Aspie Women!!Okay, this is the start of my blog. Where are all the Aspie-women is my first post. Why? The reason is that the stereotypical Asperger's symptoms don't always fit us Aspie-women. Why? Well, I believe because we have had to navigate through a terrifying world that DOES NOT KNOW US, and DOESN'T USUALLY accept us! I have hundreds of examples of this fact in my own life, and if you follow this blog and participate in it, together we can fight the stereotypes and raise awareness of the female aspie. I welcome ASPIE-WOMEN themselves, ASPIE-GIRLS, PARENTS OF ASPIE-CHILDREN, ASPIE-GIRLS, FRIEND'S OF THOSE with Asperger's, and even MEN WHO ALWAYS FIND THEMSELVES ATTRACTED TO WOMEN DIAGNOSED WITH ASPERGER'S!<br />So, please read my daily entries, make comments, pass this address around. THIS BLOG WILL GIVE THE TRUE INSIGHT INTO ASPIE-WOMEN. Yes, we are all as different from each other as we are different from the world. I want all of our voices to be heard!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-3528441833349185622008-11-17T11:29:00.000-08:002008-11-17T11:30:35.508-08:00Meandering Through an Asperger's MindIt has taken me 32 years to finally realize what love is. Many mistakes and broken hearts have led me to the wonderful family that I have today; a wonderful and caring husband and two beautiful children to share my life with. Love and marriage is difficult, I don't claim to have the market cornered on such topics. Being a woman with Asperger's Syndrome ads an inumerable amount of difficulties to an already complex social system. When one thinks of men with Asperger's, I'm sure that most would picture a computer nerd who can't get a date. What about women with AS? Society hasn't seemed to stereotype the female aspie quite yet. Mtv's Daria may come to mind with her dull look, bland facial expressions and monotone voice.<br /><br />In my teenage years people used to ask me why I looked sad. The truth is, I was sad most of the time, yet somehow I learned that my social connectedness was the only true way out of this state of depression. This led way to friendship obsessions that dominated a majority of my teenage years. I was trying to break away from my family a little, just like any normal teenager seeking her independance. Unfortunately, my lack of social skills and innability to understand why I had so much anxiety left me even more confused and unable to sustain any lasting friendships. Most friendships ended in a drifting apart or in misconmunicative anger in which I had little control over. After several attempts at friendships and fitting in, I finally just gave up. I remember my later teens being very, very lonely and relationships with the opposite sex were all I could cling to.<br /><br />I saw boyfriends as the typical replacement of my father. They gave me the attention that I felt I was missing, and since I was slowly shifting away from my family, I found someone in whom I felt cared about and loved. Unfortunately a string of bad relationships led me directly into early struggles in my marriage. I was so used to being alone that I made sure to allow my husband a second life. This was after the fireworks of early relationship bliss had died out. See, all my relationships were reconciled with simple feelings. Gittiness over a cute guy, lofty dreams of a perfect fairytale marriage started early in my life, and dating my husband was no different. We ran off together early in the relationship and I still had no idea that I was different then anyone else, although I felt it. I was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was in love with him and it didn't matter if we fought or had differences in religious and political views, I ignored all of the early signs.<br /><br />I found someone who was very similar to me. He was easygoing though, a world traveler, and thats what I wanted to become. I easily lost my identity and soon every day became an hourly panic attack over whether he would dump me, find someone new, or never change into what I wanted him to become. I have heard from other Aspie women that relationships are almost impossible. Some may call Asperger's "the extreme male brain". I can relate. Early in my marriage I started my "fix it" mission. My husband would soon love me just as I wanted him to, to take on the career that I thought would be best for us. I had picked a natural "escapist" as a husband. This didn't work so well when my intense jealousy set in. I didn't ever realize until now that everything had to be about me. I couldn't handle him having friends other than me, yet somehow we got through those years. After the honeymoon years ended, I realized that I had a wondering eye. It was five years into my marriage and I was already out of love with my husband.<br /><br />Only a romance novel writer could explain where my marriage was heading, yet I realized that my husband was a wonderful person who had to deal with his own "escape mechanisms" in order to hold our marriage together. We went through a lot of struggle and heartache, and there were many things that started to become clear to me. I was not content with my husband. I wasn't sure why, and I didn't think that it was normal. My brain was in fact like that of the "sterotypical American male". Nothing made me happy, that was until I realized that my children were everything, and soon I was obsessing about every little thing about my children. Their youngest years plagued me by thoughts of accidents, illnesses, and anything else that I couldn't control. In order to calm down about where my kids were every second of the day, I realized that I had to focus my attentions on myself.<br /><br />As my children were finally out of diapers, I realized that I could spend some time on myself, and thus I was on the road to self discovery. The problem was, whatever I started I couldn't finish. I found that any major life decision was soon plagued by doubt and followed by insecurities. I started several businesses and finally became socially acceptable, popular even. Still, I never felt grown up and I was unable to make any kind of monetary decisions that were successfull. I enrolled and dropped out of college twice, and in the meantime, my businesses were only hanging on by a thread.<br /><br />Fast forward to today, after my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and now I have learned why I have never felt successfull or hold down any kind of real job. My weekly psychology appointments have taught me more about myself and what I can and can't handle. I find that in order for me to be mentally healthy, I need to be spiritually and physically healthy as well. Most of my days are spent either snow skiing or mountain biking, and weekly church services leave me dreaming of my future, that of a traveling missionary perhaps. My husband? Well, I am happy to say that we have learned a lot about each other. Raising two children, (one with a diagnosis of AS) has been tough, especially because my own life is so unpredictable. I have learned that I love my husband completely. He is my best friend and communication is the key to a happy marriage. My needs are not much different than a neuro-typical wife, yet I have learned that I need to back off at times and allow my husband to take the leadership role. I will always be the motivator in the family, but I have had to let go of the idea that I can make important business and monetary decisions on my own.<br /><br />Finally, I have realized that I have many dreams, dreams that I believe are God given. Luckily, my husband has similar dreams and therefore I am able to be likeminded with him so that future plans are made for the good of the entire family. It is still difficult for me to differentiate between dreams that are organic in nature, that is, dreams that are in my heart and propelled by God, or ideas that come from an overactive aspergian brain. As I learn more about myself and my neurology, I shall soon discover what it is that God has me on this earth to do. I hope that my readers will be able to join me in this discovery so that we can all understand females with Asperger's Sydrome more completely.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-26637273608478963912008-11-17T11:26:00.000-08:002008-11-17T11:28:23.365-08:00My Life as an Aspie GirlYoung girls with Asperger's Syndrome; it could be called an oxymoron. Who would ever guess that an otherwise exuberant and athletic child would have AS? Located on what psychologist's call the autistic spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome is also referred to as high functioning autism. Experts report that only one out of about every ten children diagnosed with AS are female. There are many reasons for this in my opinion, the most likely being the fact that female Aspie's such as myself have practically made a career out of hiding our real feelings.<br /><br />I never in a million years would have believed that I had Asperger's Syndrome; then again, never in a million years would I have thought that I needed glasses either. See, aspies are often completely out of tune to their environment. Some explain it as if they were a balloon floating through the air, unable to connect with anyone or anything meaningful. I never understood that I had to learn social and verbal cues through other children, that I silently watched every social cue that they displayed. As a child I just did what I did. I didn't worry about what others thought. I was insanely good at sports, I was usually the team leader. As a young girl on a sports team, comraderie was key. I didn't need to put forth much effort to connect with my team-mates. By the time of Junior High, however, I learned that socializing and friendships were a language that I didn't speak, or even understand for that matter.<br /><br />In analyzing my teenage years, all that comes to mind is pain and frustration. Frustration that those who didn't understand me didn't care enough to try to understand. I actually related better to my teachers than I did to my peers. I could have been a straight A student, but instead of focusing on studies, I attempted a 4.0 in socialization. I had know idea that my skills were by far inept. I remember wondering why I walked around with severe anxiety, ruminating in my mind over what stupid thing I said on this day, or some embarassment over a missinterpreted social cue.<br /><br />Some say that Asperger's Syndrome is actually the extreme male brain. I can sometimes relate to this theory. My neurology was quite different to that of any other girl that I knew in my high school years. I didn't understand why girls would hug each other or share the same drink. All I could think of was what germs I would get if someone even touched my hand. I couldn't connect with anyone on such a level. This left me on the outside circle. I had friends, but I was unable to be a part of a larger social group. My friend had to be my friend alone. It wasn't that I was possesive you see, it was because I couldn't focus my attention on more than one friend at a time, if I did I would become exhausted.<br /><br />Now, at 32 years old, there is so much that I will be able to teach my six year old daughter. She is the mirror image of me when I was six, only cuter and spunkier. Having already received an AS diagnoses for my eight year old son, I was sure that my daughter would have Asperger's as well. Testing for young females such as my daughter doesn't leave much room for speculation. I know that my daughter has AS, well, because I lived it my entire life. I see the same signs that I myself displyed, only to be left behind with all of the other underachievers. How then does a parent help a child that is too young to truly diagnose? Listen to them, understand them, and love them. Had more people taken the time to understand me, I believe that life could have been much, much easier on me. Who would even know what sign to look for in order to diagnose an autism spectrum dissorder? I suggest that you keep on reading my articles as I plan to walk anyone interested through the details of my life, a woman living with Asperger's Dissorder. Please stay tuned!Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8439221317327564733.post-29221484234756571842008-11-17T11:25:00.000-08:002008-11-17T11:26:23.096-08:00When You're Mind Plays Tricks on YouAfter an extremely difficult year with my business, marriage, and life in general, I finally gave up. Whatever it was that has plagued my life, since I could remember that is, was finally going to be dealt with. I had spent a good year in counseling learning more about myself and the subsequent choices that had affected my life up until this day. At the end of a forty five minute session, my psychologist asked me a question. "When I say that its raining cats and dogs, what do you think of?" I said "well, at first I think of cats and dogs falling from the sky, perhaps holding umbrellas, yet I am intelligent enough to know that you are saying that it is raining very hard." Still, I couldn't move past the thought of cats and dogs falling from the sky with umbrellas. The cats screeching, dogs yelping. Finally, I realized why my psychologist was asking the question.<br /><br />My psychologist smiled and then his face turned serious. "Whatever you need me to write up, let me know, because I'm diagnosing you with Asperger's Syndrome." Finally, I felt what seemed like a one hundred pound weight off of my shoulders. Every painful experience, relationship, shortcoming; my severe anxiety, social anxiety, depression, passive-agressiveness, paranoia...there was a reason. My brain is wired differently. I am not naturally intuitive, I learn by watching, studying, analyzing everything. People, social groups, ideologies; they all formulate what I could only explain as some type of collective reasoning. Imagine approaching all of life in the context of cognitive reasoning. God made me different, just like my Aspie peers. We think in pictures, it is natural for us to seek solitude. We learn social realities the hard way, by trial and error. After years of coping this way, we finally break down.<br /><br />I learned the hard way, with no early intervention, no counseling, no accomodations for my learning dissibilites. My family wasn't very communicative growing up. I know that my father is an Aspie, yet he would never realize it. I was innately introverted, yet I longed to be extroverted. I botteled everything up. I wasn't connected to anything. I felt like a balloon floating through the world with nothing to connect to. I couldn't keep my feet on the ground, and I couldn't form a healthy relationship with anyone. I couldn't confide in anyone about my depression, anxiety or pain. Everything to me was embarassing.<br /><br />I was targeted by a colleague whom seemed to know exactly what to say and how to act. I didn't know how to connect with my husband, and my husband had no idea to connect with me. When you know nothing of social relationships to begin with, how can you have a healthy marriage? My new friend became a regular at my business, offering me understanding, attention and friendship. Something didn't seem right to me. I looked at him as a person, and the clues that he was giving me, yet I was putting two and two together. I easily began to fall for his charm, and when I tried to stay away from him he would try to get closer. When I got close to him, he would pretend to push me away.<br /><br />I was entangled in a social game that I knew nothing about. I didn't have the tools to protect myself. I had no idea that I didn't pick up on social cues, hidden agendas or manipulation. He used his tactics to take advantage of my obsessive compulsiveness (another common Aspie trait) and I got so used to him coming around every single day that I couldn't tell him to stay away. Even when I thought that I was starting to realize that something wasn't right, I would second guess myself. I couldn't trust my intuition. I could notice when one person is attracted to another, or when someone was obviously trying to flirt with someone else. I could even recognize when my friends boyfriend was a creep, yet when it was happening to me I didn't. I finally cut the friendship off and realized that I could have ruined my entire life. I thank God that this situation was exactly what I needed to get me to a good psychologist.<br /><br />That's where and when this article finds me now. Finally my psychologist and I have a context in which to explore new ways in helping myself to decompress from each weeks challenges. Now I expect complexities and anxieties to rear their heads at me, yet I have the power to get through them with out shutting down as I previously did. I am finding what my God given talents are and learning about what I can and can't handle. My familial relationships have never been better. I still don't maintain any close friendships because I don't have the mental energy, and I have learned that I need back up from my husband to help guide and protect me. If you have a friend or family member with AS, please do you're best to understand them. Asperger's is as complex as it is engaging. All of us Aspies have a continuum of individualities, strengths and weaknesses; yet we are a part of a truly unique community in which we can boast that we are not disabled, we are just differently abled.Aspiemomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15319921356751661496noreply@blogger.com0