Monday, November 17, 2008

Meandering Through an Asperger's Mind

It has taken me 32 years to finally realize what love is. Many mistakes and broken hearts have led me to the wonderful family that I have today; a wonderful and caring husband and two beautiful children to share my life with. Love and marriage is difficult, I don't claim to have the market cornered on such topics. Being a woman with Asperger's Syndrome ads an inumerable amount of difficulties to an already complex social system. When one thinks of men with Asperger's, I'm sure that most would picture a computer nerd who can't get a date. What about women with AS? Society hasn't seemed to stereotype the female aspie quite yet. Mtv's Daria may come to mind with her dull look, bland facial expressions and monotone voice.

In my teenage years people used to ask me why I looked sad. The truth is, I was sad most of the time, yet somehow I learned that my social connectedness was the only true way out of this state of depression. This led way to friendship obsessions that dominated a majority of my teenage years. I was trying to break away from my family a little, just like any normal teenager seeking her independance. Unfortunately, my lack of social skills and innability to understand why I had so much anxiety left me even more confused and unable to sustain any lasting friendships. Most friendships ended in a drifting apart or in misconmunicative anger in which I had little control over. After several attempts at friendships and fitting in, I finally just gave up. I remember my later teens being very, very lonely and relationships with the opposite sex were all I could cling to.

I saw boyfriends as the typical replacement of my father. They gave me the attention that I felt I was missing, and since I was slowly shifting away from my family, I found someone in whom I felt cared about and loved. Unfortunately a string of bad relationships led me directly into early struggles in my marriage. I was so used to being alone that I made sure to allow my husband a second life. This was after the fireworks of early relationship bliss had died out. See, all my relationships were reconciled with simple feelings. Gittiness over a cute guy, lofty dreams of a perfect fairytale marriage started early in my life, and dating my husband was no different. We ran off together early in the relationship and I still had no idea that I was different then anyone else, although I felt it. I was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was in love with him and it didn't matter if we fought or had differences in religious and political views, I ignored all of the early signs.

I found someone who was very similar to me. He was easygoing though, a world traveler, and thats what I wanted to become. I easily lost my identity and soon every day became an hourly panic attack over whether he would dump me, find someone new, or never change into what I wanted him to become. I have heard from other Aspie women that relationships are almost impossible. Some may call Asperger's "the extreme male brain". I can relate. Early in my marriage I started my "fix it" mission. My husband would soon love me just as I wanted him to, to take on the career that I thought would be best for us. I had picked a natural "escapist" as a husband. This didn't work so well when my intense jealousy set in. I didn't ever realize until now that everything had to be about me. I couldn't handle him having friends other than me, yet somehow we got through those years. After the honeymoon years ended, I realized that I had a wondering eye. It was five years into my marriage and I was already out of love with my husband.

Only a romance novel writer could explain where my marriage was heading, yet I realized that my husband was a wonderful person who had to deal with his own "escape mechanisms" in order to hold our marriage together. We went through a lot of struggle and heartache, and there were many things that started to become clear to me. I was not content with my husband. I wasn't sure why, and I didn't think that it was normal. My brain was in fact like that of the "sterotypical American male". Nothing made me happy, that was until I realized that my children were everything, and soon I was obsessing about every little thing about my children. Their youngest years plagued me by thoughts of accidents, illnesses, and anything else that I couldn't control. In order to calm down about where my kids were every second of the day, I realized that I had to focus my attentions on myself.

As my children were finally out of diapers, I realized that I could spend some time on myself, and thus I was on the road to self discovery. The problem was, whatever I started I couldn't finish. I found that any major life decision was soon plagued by doubt and followed by insecurities. I started several businesses and finally became socially acceptable, popular even. Still, I never felt grown up and I was unable to make any kind of monetary decisions that were successfull. I enrolled and dropped out of college twice, and in the meantime, my businesses were only hanging on by a thread.

Fast forward to today, after my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and now I have learned why I have never felt successfull or hold down any kind of real job. My weekly psychology appointments have taught me more about myself and what I can and can't handle. I find that in order for me to be mentally healthy, I need to be spiritually and physically healthy as well. Most of my days are spent either snow skiing or mountain biking, and weekly church services leave me dreaming of my future, that of a traveling missionary perhaps. My husband? Well, I am happy to say that we have learned a lot about each other. Raising two children, (one with a diagnosis of AS) has been tough, especially because my own life is so unpredictable. I have learned that I love my husband completely. He is my best friend and communication is the key to a happy marriage. My needs are not much different than a neuro-typical wife, yet I have learned that I need to back off at times and allow my husband to take the leadership role. I will always be the motivator in the family, but I have had to let go of the idea that I can make important business and monetary decisions on my own.

Finally, I have realized that I have many dreams, dreams that I believe are God given. Luckily, my husband has similar dreams and therefore I am able to be likeminded with him so that future plans are made for the good of the entire family. It is still difficult for me to differentiate between dreams that are organic in nature, that is, dreams that are in my heart and propelled by God, or ideas that come from an overactive aspergian brain. As I learn more about myself and my neurology, I shall soon discover what it is that God has me on this earth to do. I hope that my readers will be able to join me in this discovery so that we can all understand females with Asperger's Sydrome more completely.

My Life as an Aspie Girl

Young girls with Asperger's Syndrome; it could be called an oxymoron. Who would ever guess that an otherwise exuberant and athletic child would have AS? Located on what psychologist's call the autistic spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome is also referred to as high functioning autism. Experts report that only one out of about every ten children diagnosed with AS are female. There are many reasons for this in my opinion, the most likely being the fact that female Aspie's such as myself have practically made a career out of hiding our real feelings.

I never in a million years would have believed that I had Asperger's Syndrome; then again, never in a million years would I have thought that I needed glasses either. See, aspies are often completely out of tune to their environment. Some explain it as if they were a balloon floating through the air, unable to connect with anyone or anything meaningful. I never understood that I had to learn social and verbal cues through other children, that I silently watched every social cue that they displayed. As a child I just did what I did. I didn't worry about what others thought. I was insanely good at sports, I was usually the team leader. As a young girl on a sports team, comraderie was key. I didn't need to put forth much effort to connect with my team-mates. By the time of Junior High, however, I learned that socializing and friendships were a language that I didn't speak, or even understand for that matter.

In analyzing my teenage years, all that comes to mind is pain and frustration. Frustration that those who didn't understand me didn't care enough to try to understand. I actually related better to my teachers than I did to my peers. I could have been a straight A student, but instead of focusing on studies, I attempted a 4.0 in socialization. I had know idea that my skills were by far inept. I remember wondering why I walked around with severe anxiety, ruminating in my mind over what stupid thing I said on this day, or some embarassment over a missinterpreted social cue.

Some say that Asperger's Syndrome is actually the extreme male brain. I can sometimes relate to this theory. My neurology was quite different to that of any other girl that I knew in my high school years. I didn't understand why girls would hug each other or share the same drink. All I could think of was what germs I would get if someone even touched my hand. I couldn't connect with anyone on such a level. This left me on the outside circle. I had friends, but I was unable to be a part of a larger social group. My friend had to be my friend alone. It wasn't that I was possesive you see, it was because I couldn't focus my attention on more than one friend at a time, if I did I would become exhausted.

Now, at 32 years old, there is so much that I will be able to teach my six year old daughter. She is the mirror image of me when I was six, only cuter and spunkier. Having already received an AS diagnoses for my eight year old son, I was sure that my daughter would have Asperger's as well. Testing for young females such as my daughter doesn't leave much room for speculation. I know that my daughter has AS, well, because I lived it my entire life. I see the same signs that I myself displyed, only to be left behind with all of the other underachievers. How then does a parent help a child that is too young to truly diagnose? Listen to them, understand them, and love them. Had more people taken the time to understand me, I believe that life could have been much, much easier on me. Who would even know what sign to look for in order to diagnose an autism spectrum dissorder? I suggest that you keep on reading my articles as I plan to walk anyone interested through the details of my life, a woman living with Asperger's Dissorder. Please stay tuned!

When You're Mind Plays Tricks on You

After an extremely difficult year with my business, marriage, and life in general, I finally gave up. Whatever it was that has plagued my life, since I could remember that is, was finally going to be dealt with. I had spent a good year in counseling learning more about myself and the subsequent choices that had affected my life up until this day. At the end of a forty five minute session, my psychologist asked me a question. "When I say that its raining cats and dogs, what do you think of?" I said "well, at first I think of cats and dogs falling from the sky, perhaps holding umbrellas, yet I am intelligent enough to know that you are saying that it is raining very hard." Still, I couldn't move past the thought of cats and dogs falling from the sky with umbrellas. The cats screeching, dogs yelping. Finally, I realized why my psychologist was asking the question.

My psychologist smiled and then his face turned serious. "Whatever you need me to write up, let me know, because I'm diagnosing you with Asperger's Syndrome." Finally, I felt what seemed like a one hundred pound weight off of my shoulders. Every painful experience, relationship, shortcoming; my severe anxiety, social anxiety, depression, passive-agressiveness, paranoia...there was a reason. My brain is wired differently. I am not naturally intuitive, I learn by watching, studying, analyzing everything. People, social groups, ideologies; they all formulate what I could only explain as some type of collective reasoning. Imagine approaching all of life in the context of cognitive reasoning. God made me different, just like my Aspie peers. We think in pictures, it is natural for us to seek solitude. We learn social realities the hard way, by trial and error. After years of coping this way, we finally break down.

I learned the hard way, with no early intervention, no counseling, no accomodations for my learning dissibilites. My family wasn't very communicative growing up. I know that my father is an Aspie, yet he would never realize it. I was innately introverted, yet I longed to be extroverted. I botteled everything up. I wasn't connected to anything. I felt like a balloon floating through the world with nothing to connect to. I couldn't keep my feet on the ground, and I couldn't form a healthy relationship with anyone. I couldn't confide in anyone about my depression, anxiety or pain. Everything to me was embarassing.

I was targeted by a colleague whom seemed to know exactly what to say and how to act. I didn't know how to connect with my husband, and my husband had no idea to connect with me. When you know nothing of social relationships to begin with, how can you have a healthy marriage? My new friend became a regular at my business, offering me understanding, attention and friendship. Something didn't seem right to me. I looked at him as a person, and the clues that he was giving me, yet I was putting two and two together. I easily began to fall for his charm, and when I tried to stay away from him he would try to get closer. When I got close to him, he would pretend to push me away.

I was entangled in a social game that I knew nothing about. I didn't have the tools to protect myself. I had no idea that I didn't pick up on social cues, hidden agendas or manipulation. He used his tactics to take advantage of my obsessive compulsiveness (another common Aspie trait) and I got so used to him coming around every single day that I couldn't tell him to stay away. Even when I thought that I was starting to realize that something wasn't right, I would second guess myself. I couldn't trust my intuition. I could notice when one person is attracted to another, or when someone was obviously trying to flirt with someone else. I could even recognize when my friends boyfriend was a creep, yet when it was happening to me I didn't. I finally cut the friendship off and realized that I could have ruined my entire life. I thank God that this situation was exactly what I needed to get me to a good psychologist.

That's where and when this article finds me now. Finally my psychologist and I have a context in which to explore new ways in helping myself to decompress from each weeks challenges. Now I expect complexities and anxieties to rear their heads at me, yet I have the power to get through them with out shutting down as I previously did. I am finding what my God given talents are and learning about what I can and can't handle. My familial relationships have never been better. I still don't maintain any close friendships because I don't have the mental energy, and I have learned that I need back up from my husband to help guide and protect me. If you have a friend or family member with AS, please do you're best to understand them. Asperger's is as complex as it is engaging. All of us Aspies have a continuum of individualities, strengths and weaknesses; yet we are a part of a truly unique community in which we can boast that we are not disabled, we are just differently abled.