Meandering Through an Asperger's Mind

It has taken me 32 years to finally realize what love is. Many mistakes and broken hearts have led me to the wonderful family that I have today; a wonderful and caring husband and two beautiful children to share my life with. Love and marriage is difficult, I don't claim to have the market cornered on such topics. Being a woman with Asperger's Syndrome ads an inumerable amount of difficulties to an already complex social system. When one thinks of men with Asperger's, I'm sure that most would picture a computer nerd who can't get a date. What about women with AS? Society hasn't seemed to stereotype the female aspie quite yet. Mtv's Daria may come to mind with her dull look, bland facial expressions and monotone voice.

In my teenage years people used to ask me why I looked sad. The truth is, I was sad most of the time, yet somehow I learned that my social connectedness was the only true way out of this state of depression. This led way to friendship obsessions that dominated a majority of my teenage years. I was trying to break away from my family a little, just like any normal teenager seeking her independance. Unfortunately, my lack of social skills and innability to understand why I had so much anxiety left me even more confused and unable to sustain any lasting friendships. Most friendships ended in a drifting apart or in misconmunicative anger in which I had little control over. After several attempts at friendships and fitting in, I finally just gave up. I remember my later teens being very, very lonely and relationships with the opposite sex were all I could cling to.

I saw boyfriends as the typical replacement of my father. They gave me the attention that I felt I was missing, and since I was slowly shifting away from my family, I found someone in whom I felt cared about and loved. Unfortunately a string of bad relationships led me directly into early struggles in my marriage. I was so used to being alone that I made sure to allow my husband a second life. This was after the fireworks of early relationship bliss had died out. See, all my relationships were reconciled with simple feelings. Gittiness over a cute guy, lofty dreams of a perfect fairytale marriage started early in my life, and dating my husband was no different. We ran off together early in the relationship and I still had no idea that I was different then anyone else, although I felt it. I was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was in love with him and it didn't matter if we fought or had differences in religious and political views, I ignored all of the early signs.

I found someone who was very similar to me. He was easygoing though, a world traveler, and thats what I wanted to become. I easily lost my identity and soon every day became an hourly panic attack over whether he would dump me, find someone new, or never change into what I wanted him to become. I have heard from other Aspie women that relationships are almost impossible. Some may call Asperger's "the extreme male brain". I can relate. Early in my marriage I started my "fix it" mission. My husband would soon love me just as I wanted him to, to take on the career that I thought would be best for us. I had picked a natural "escapist" as a husband. This didn't work so well when my intense jealousy set in. I didn't ever realize until now that everything had to be about me. I couldn't handle him having friends other than me, yet somehow we got through those years. After the honeymoon years ended, I realized that I had a wondering eye. It was five years into my marriage and I was already out of love with my husband.

Only a romance novel writer could explain where my marriage was heading, yet I realized that my husband was a wonderful person who had to deal with his own "escape mechanisms" in order to hold our marriage together. We went through a lot of struggle and heartache, and there were many things that started to become clear to me. I was not content with my husband. I wasn't sure why, and I didn't think that it was normal. My brain was in fact like that of the "sterotypical American male". Nothing made me happy, that was until I realized that my children were everything, and soon I was obsessing about every little thing about my children. Their youngest years plagued me by thoughts of accidents, illnesses, and anything else that I couldn't control. In order to calm down about where my kids were every second of the day, I realized that I had to focus my attentions on myself.

As my children were finally out of diapers, I realized that I could spend some time on myself, and thus I was on the road to self discovery. The problem was, whatever I started I couldn't finish. I found that any major life decision was soon plagued by doubt and followed by insecurities. I started several businesses and finally became socially acceptable, popular even. Still, I never felt grown up and I was unable to make any kind of monetary decisions that were successfull. I enrolled and dropped out of college twice, and in the meantime, my businesses were only hanging on by a thread.

Fast forward to today, after my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and now I have learned why I have never felt successfull or hold down any kind of real job. My weekly psychology appointments have taught me more about myself and what I can and can't handle. I find that in order for me to be mentally healthy, I need to be spiritually and physically healthy as well. Most of my days are spent either snow skiing or mountain biking, and weekly church services leave me dreaming of my future, that of a traveling missionary perhaps. My husband? Well, I am happy to say that we have learned a lot about each other. Raising two children, (one with a diagnosis of AS) has been tough, especially because my own life is so unpredictable. I have learned that I love my husband completely. He is my best friend and communication is the key to a happy marriage. My needs are not much different than a neuro-typical wife, yet I have learned that I need to back off at times and allow my husband to take the leadership role. I will always be the motivator in the family, but I have had to let go of the idea that I can make important business and monetary decisions on my own.

Finally, I have realized that I have many dreams, dreams that I believe are God given. Luckily, my husband has similar dreams and therefore I am able to be likeminded with him so that future plans are made for the good of the entire family. It is still difficult for me to differentiate between dreams that are organic in nature, that is, dreams that are in my heart and propelled by God, or ideas that come from an overactive aspergian brain. As I learn more about myself and my neurology, I shall soon discover what it is that God has me on this earth to do. I hope that my readers will be able to join me in this discovery so that we can all understand females with Asperger's Sydrome more completely.