Nothing Compared to Average

I just went to the doctors this morning because I have had a cold that will not go away. My new doctor asked me what my diagnosis was that led to my taking Seroquel. I told him Asperger's Disorder. It was nice for once to not hear questioning or unbelief. Instead he said "I know a woman whose sister has Aspergers, and she finished graduate school, was very smart, but she did live with her sister for her entire life." Doesn't that sound familiar. Another Aspie woman who is either unable to live alone, or unable to function. Really, I can look at myself and say, "exactly!". I lived at home with my parents until I was 21, and then I was living with my husband for the past eleven years. Never really becoming succesfull at anything, and here I am, back at my parents house, living with my two children.

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try or what my goals are, inevitably, I mess them up. Regardless of whether it is with my school, career choices, marriage, I will ultimately mess things up eventually. What do they call this? Failure to launch! However, I have launched many times, I just haven't landed! At least I have a husband that has many skills that make him employable. Still, we live on next to nothing and while we want more for our children, we at least know that they are loved and understood. So, my urge to attain something for once in my life will fall in priority to what my children need. They need their mom to understand them. I am their advocate. Understanding is something that I never really got growing up. I was loved and taken care of, but no one, let alone myself understood why I acted the way that I did. I have been longing for that understanding by people for years. It seems that it had become the goal of my life. Will anyone understand me? Truly? Who knows. I am too crazy to be understood most of the time, yet I blend in with everyone else. That, I believe, is what really makes it difficult. I blend in, so I don't fully have an excuse to act the way I do...so I hide it; the eccentricity, the anxiety, the jumping from one thing to the next like a teenager. Just being me is like being an 18 year old that must repress acting like an 18 year old...else I will simply look crazy. Does anyone else get what I mean?

A Big Move

Last week was a whirlwind for me. I had a big decision to make. Stay in Idaho where my kids could continue at their school, and raise the kids alone for the winter season, or move in with my parents in WA. There were many pros and cons to both, yet I knew that this decision would have to be one that was made out of humility as opposed to strength. I don't have too much strength you see, I barely function when put into difficult situations. I have always had my husband as back up. Finally, after weeks and days of going back and forth, should I stay or should I go? I went! I packed up the house and went through what seemed like thousands of papers and documents and put everything that I didn't need into storage. After I finally got everything put into its proper place, the kids and I, plus two dogs got in the car and began our new journey in life.

Now I remember why people in Seattle drink so much coffee. It has rained almost non-stop since we got to town. I unpacked most of our clothes and enrolled the kids in school. My daughter, the social butterfly, loves school. My son pretty much hates school, but the local elementary school has staff and a principle that take pride in assimilating children with special needs into their program. Halleluja! This means my son can be enrolled in a half day schedule. Half homeschool half public school. If I had that choice when I was young life would have been much easier! So on to new things.

The OCD in me wants me to continue to stress about my past life in Idaho. How do I catch up on the bills that I need to mail over? Will the house rent so that we don't need to pay for the house to sit empty. Will my health converage transfer into Cobra on time? I can't go without my Seroquel for even one night, I will turn into a fiending nut-case. I will start to go through withdrawls of no sleep, headaches, vomiting and anxiety. Its not a pretty picture. This leads me to wonder what would happen if there were some catastrophe where I couldn't get ot the pharmacy. Well, there kind of is a problem, I can't afford my medication without the cobra insurance kicking in. I pray that it will catch up soon.

A Broken Heart

This morning was a typical morning for me, my daughter refused to put her clothes on to go to school. She screamed and cried for a good half hour, and I finally had to dress her as she was crying and leaning in for hugs. Finally got her into the car and then she was as happy as can be. My son got himself ready, and typically, someone will throw a fit every morning. As usual, my son continued to say that he hated school and didn't want to go. On the car ride down, I could tell that he was waiting to let out the tears just before it was time to go to school. My daughter gets out of the car and the tears in Christian's eyes started flowing. And then he said what I knew I would hear at some point during the school year, "no one likes me, I have no friends, even the one friend I thought I had won't play with me at recess." My heart sunk. I knew exactly how he felt. I knew how the sounds, noises, smells, and social atmosphere can make any kid crazy, but a kids with Asperger's means its pure torture. At that moment I realized, I can't make him go in. I can't force him to stay in school. I needed to work with him one on one. Sending my child to school when it makes him feel how I saw him feeling made me want to cry for him. I remember, it wasn't fun, in fact, it was torture. As I went through the many options in my mind, online learning, one on one curriculum, skiing as a stress release...I had to do it, I have to homeschool him. I had previously home schooled him the past two years. I thought he needed to go to school to learn how to be social. What a joke. He is social and he has a group of best friends where we live. How would school help him any more? It just made him miserable and sad and angry. And then I realized the full extent to his problems with learning when I went to the parent teachers conference this afternoon. His teacher looked at me and said "he's failing, he needs special ed." She said that he does fine one on one, and he is bright, but he is kind of in his own world and so frustrated because everyone else "gets it" and he doesn't. I love my boy with all my heart. My heart breaks for him when I see him go through what I went through, socially that is. He has such genious and spark in there somewhere, we just need to find what brings that out. Of course, computers, video games, sledding, skiing. He loves all of these things, and he is pretty good at them. I need to show my boy the world. My daughter might be able to handle school right now, but I know what my son needs. I feel horrible that it has taken me this long to realize it, yet again. I am my sons advocate and I am his teacher. I know what he is going through, and only I can help him.

The Roller Coaster of Relationship

I just recently read an article about couples where one person is bipolar. The amount of agony that the non bipolar person had to endure was something close to what I feel the non Asperger's partner needs to put up with. Mood swings, break ups, cold shoulders, and the innability to follow through on promises. This sounds incredibly close to what I have dealt with my entire life. There are times when I can put everything I have into a relationship, to the point of almost taking on the other person as the reason for my existance. The next thing I know, I am no longer any good for that person any longer. I then become cold and remote, hiding my true feelings, and the blame sets in. Previously I would only see the fault in my self. Next I will see the fault in my perceptions of the relationship. Giving everything that you have in order to make a relationship work is exhausting enough. Fighting off the attention from another person after you have found out what you have previously put up with is difficult. Then, the panic in the fact that you just might not be able to ever live without the person that you have ridden this emotional rollercoaster ride with. Trying to be what your partner expects you to be is difficult when there are other people out there that will accept much less.

OCD the Diagnosis Within the Diagnosis and Medications to Assist

Understanding Asperger's Disorder is complex enough, yet to add the many other co-ocurring symptoms and diagnosis makes psychologists and psychiatrists scratch their heads. Luckily for me, my psychologist is multi-dimentional in our treatment plan. Weekly visits not only gives me someone to unload all of my thoughts on, but as a Christian Psychologist, we are able to combine cognitive therapy within a spiritual outline. I was told early on in my therapy that counseling needs to be within the perspective of my navigating life with AS. We don't attribute everything to AS symptoms, however, with symptoms too numerous to list, the conversations usually lean towards obsessive thought patterns and the anxiety that these patterns cause. As he put it, Asperger's is a multifaceted Disorder. Within it lays many symptoms and co-occuring diagnosis'. Officially, my diagnosis under Axis I: Asperger's Disorder, Axis II: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as well as Generalized & Social Anxiety Disorder. My psychiatrist called it Social Maladaptive Disorder, whatever that means. A google search didn't turn up anything useful for me to understand that one. Still, while reading the psychologist's reports, my family doctor started me on what a clinical director once told me was "the magic bullet for Asperger's". The magic bullet? Wow, I couldn't wait to try it. The first few months were brutal. Just 25 mg of Seroquel and I was nearly falling down the stairs to sleep. See, Seroquel, when taken at the lowest dose is an effective sedative. Unfortunately it took me three months to get to 100 mg's. The med was prescribed in order for me to overcome night terrors and paranoia that I have suffered with for the past 20 years. After reaching 100 mg I realized that I was literally a "zombie" in the mornings. I just couldn't function. About the same time my doctor also put me on Celexa for the anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive parts. After telling my doc that I was literally seeing things at night, and hearing "voices talking to me"...he raised an eyebrow and sent me to Coeur d' Alene for a psychiatric eval. I was told that for the effects that we were trying to achieve, I would need to move up to 300mg of Seroquel, and it would be tough the first week, but once I get through it, I would notice a world of difference. Wow, was he right. For the first time in my life I was able to sleep through the night, no voices or visions or night terrors. Similarly, I was more alert in the morning and able to carry out my day without anxiety. Still, the OCD issues still affect me. While there are medications that we can take to help with the OCD, cognitive therapy is an important part of the plan. Today my psychologist gave me some important directions in managing my obsessive thought patterns. This is what the Seroquel is supposed to help with...the explosion of impulsivity that would normally cause me to reply back with a vengeance of anger and finger pointing. It takes two to keep a friendship healthy, therefore, this is something that I need to work on, if I truly care about my friends, and I do care. I just have a difficult time showing it when I would much rather keep in touch every day for a month, then no contact for three months at a time. Hard to keep friends with that schedule. So, my psychologist gave me directions to deal with the obsessive thought patterns. The four R's: Relabel, Re-attribue, Refocus, Revalue. This really helps, and to be honest, I was ready to fire a really rude text back to my friend tonight...but instead, I used the four R's and now I'm a believer! That means I can keep the few friends that I do have and not go crazy over the arguments that would normally cause us to engage in "text wars". I think I'm on the right track!

Sometimes We Know that We Know that We Know!

I am starting to realize the amount of honesty and humility that it takes to write this blog. There are so many aspects of an individuals personality to begin with, let alone a person with Asperger's Syndrome. So what makes me any different from anyone else in the world? Everyone has their own issues, and I know that it might sound "self-serving" to complain all day long. The truth is, people with Asperger's are oftentimes unable to cease complaining. Whe we see a world with problems we wonder why it can't be fixed NOW. We typically are black and white thinkers. We don't always understand grey areas. When we want to get a point across, we NEED to get it across NOW, even if it means hurting others feelings. Some people, like myself, can create enemies wherever we go. I dont' blame this all on myself, because we oftentimes attract the same types of people over and over again. We don't like to do this. Many of us can control it to a certain degree. To be honest, I can't hardly control it. When someone says something that I don't agree with, I can shut my mouth and let it eat away at me. I can typically control myself in this situation. Yes, I might go away thinking how everyone is wrong and I am right, yet there is sometimes a certain topic that launches me into full attack mode. And what about the times when we know that we know that we know we are right? There are times that us aspies really are getting it right, and the general public would agree with us. Still, it doesn't matter because if one person doesn't agree, then we will make it our lifes ambition to be sure that person fully agrees...and quick. This all plays into the OCD aspect of AS...and something that I will post on next because it affects me so acutely.

Functioning in Reality

I don't believe that I ever function in "reality" very well as a child. In fact, I don't think I function too well in reality now, however, raising two kids on the autism spectrum reminds me of my days in school. Many good memories, like any "normal" person, yet today brought back some very anxious memories. My 10 year old son warned me earlier in the day that he didn't want to go to school. Usually when he acts this way I will make an attempt to bribe him or make him laugh. Today both worked, for a while. The bribe, an X-Box 360 for Christmas wasn't close enough to grasp for my son, yet he still got out of the car. I saw a tear beginning to form in his eye and I knew it was because he didn't want to circumnavigate in society today. Many days he is just hit with "sensory overload". See, we both suffer with Sensory Integration Disorder meaning the bright lights in hallways, funky smells in the classroom and annoyingly loud recess bells are enough to send us into a fetal position. Okay, not literally any longer...but I could related. So, I watched the clock as my son's father and I placed bets on how long it was going to take until the "I'm sick come get me" phone call came. It came three hours later, just as I was walking into my Christian Yoga class. "Mom, I'm just not feeling good. My stomach hurts and I have a cough." Well, he did have a cough today, but I know he just really wanted to be home. Previously my ADD tendancies forced me to stop homeschooling and put him public school. So, no suprise, and I went to pick him up. I went home and made sure he went to sleep. This gave me hours to relive my hundreds of perfectly vivid ( and sensory infused) memories of what it was like for me in Junior High and High School. You see, I made a career out of playing sick. I don't know how I passed any of my courses. If I remember, I was late about 30 days out of the quarter, and absent about 25 or so. I hated school with a passion. All of my autistic symptoms got in the way. So...I stayed home and watched daytime television. I knew if I heard the People's Court upcoming commercials...I had made it! Freedom from my NT classmates, teachers, and panic attacks. Later on I skipped school to go Skiing at Crystal Mountain instead. Much better trade off. So...why am I a writer and not working in a cubicle? Because I wouldn't show up! I would be excited for maybe a week, and then I will come up with any excuse to not be there...even if its threatening to go to the nut-house (not meant to offend as I often belong there). So, two things I learned today #1 An aspie brain remembers past experiences with annoyingly vivid memory (including all the senses), #2 I can understand why my son had to stay home from school today. Homeschooling is probably around the corner!

Aspie Women and NT Men

While I know that AS isn't a mental illness, I have found that I function so much better since my diagnosis. Still, life for me is anything but typical. I am married to a man who is NT, but who has probably adpoted a lot of my social isolation techniques (haha). I think that I was attracted to him because he was always the life of the party, and for me to function socially, I needed someone who was a social butterfly. Now what I have found in the last ten or so years is that many man are attracted to women who have characteristics of Asperger's. This is what I have found. I have been told that I have a "sweet and nieve" way about me. This can lead to a frienship with a man and to be honest, I can not be friends with men. It doesn't work. Attractions will form and then things get complicated, next the friendship has to end abruptly and rudely. Still...I have had a couple of male friends (while being married) whom didn't have a problem with making me their close friend or buddy. These men are mostly NT, yet they also seemed to suffer from some personality / addiction issues. So, my crazy attracts crazy! I just had to end a friendship with a guy that I liked to mountain bike with, but there was no reason to continue being his friend because we couldn't date, I'm married. So, why be friends with guys? It will always naturally want to lead to the next emotional level of a man / woman friendship. Doesn't work. I hate that it doesn't work...but for me it won't.

Surrounded by Chaos! Moving is this Aspie-woman's Nightmare!

After picking my kids up yesterday, I walked into one of my biggest nightmares! A house in disarray, empty and full boxes mixed together on the floor. Medicines, pumpkins, school supplies, toys..."UGH!". My brain goes into overdrive just looking at the room. And this is just one room, the great room in my house! I'm obsessive compulsive by nature, which is common for a person with Asperger's. In fact, OCD isn't usually diagnosed separately from AS, although my "diagnosis sheet"...or "crazy sheet" (as I refer to it) lists OCD under Axis II; usually OCD is just expected as a co-existing condition or underlining symptom of Asperger's Syndrome. So, where does this bring me back to? Oh yeah, the house. My OCD causes me to expect order in my otherwise un-orderly world. For example, if I face a window head on, I feel compelled to count each side of the trim two times on the left, accompanied by two toe taps from the left foot, and then two toe taps on the right foot, followed by both hands, etc. I never really recognized that I did this as a child, yet I do remember rocking sideways and back and forth in high school...just enough to make things feel "even and orderly" in a world that terrified me so much. And NO, no one seemed to notice this (or, that just contributed to my weirdness). In fact, I remember the most calm when I was behaving like a gitty elementary student at my desk. I'm sure the teachers attributed it more to my not being able to sit still! So where was I again? Oh, yeah...packing. So far today I managed to get the kids off to school, take a nap, drink a cup of coffee, and write a blog. The house is still in shambles! Books are everywhere, and I have to mention that before I can pack my OCD book, I need to read a little more. Right now I am learning about how to decrease my OCD symptoms...more on that later! By the way, have you realized that my attention doesn't stick on one track? Yeah, thats a problem too. Big problem in the work environment. So, to sum this post up, I am sitting in an environment of boxes and un-orderly things that is causing me great distress. Still, even though I am extremely uncomfortable, I will tone this out until I spend a good 8 hours on the computer writing...until I finally freak out and need to start cleaning. Another AS trait? The innability to start and complete projects! ME, ME, and ME!

Calling All Aspie Women!!

Okay, this is the start of my blog. Where are all the Aspie-women is my first post. Why? The reason is that the stereotypical Asperger's symptoms don't always fit us Aspie-women. Why? Well, I believe because we have had to navigate through a terrifying world that DOES NOT KNOW US, and DOESN'T USUALLY accept us! I have hundreds of examples of this fact in my own life, and if you follow this blog and participate in it, together we can fight the stereotypes and raise awareness of the female aspie. I welcome ASPIE-WOMEN themselves, ASPIE-GIRLS, PARENTS OF ASPIE-CHILDREN, ASPIE-GIRLS, FRIEND'S OF THOSE with Asperger's, and even MEN WHO ALWAYS FIND THEMSELVES ATTRACTED TO WOMEN DIAGNOSED WITH ASPERGER'S!
So, please read my daily entries, make comments, pass this address around. THIS BLOG WILL GIVE THE TRUE INSIGHT INTO ASPIE-WOMEN. Yes, we are all as different from each other as we are different from the world. I want all of our voices to be heard!