Nothing Compared to Average

I just went to the doctors this morning because I have had a cold that will not go away. My new doctor asked me what my diagnosis was that led to my taking Seroquel. I told him Asperger's Disorder. It was nice for once to not hear questioning or unbelief. Instead he said "I know a woman whose sister has Aspergers, and she finished graduate school, was very smart, but she did live with her sister for her entire life." Doesn't that sound familiar. Another Aspie woman who is either unable to live alone, or unable to function. Really, I can look at myself and say, "exactly!". I lived at home with my parents until I was 21, and then I was living with my husband for the past eleven years. Never really becoming succesfull at anything, and here I am, back at my parents house, living with my two children.

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try or what my goals are, inevitably, I mess them up. Regardless of whether it is with my school, career choices, marriage, I will ultimately mess things up eventually. What do they call this? Failure to launch! However, I have launched many times, I just haven't landed! At least I have a husband that has many skills that make him employable. Still, we live on next to nothing and while we want more for our children, we at least know that they are loved and understood. So, my urge to attain something for once in my life will fall in priority to what my children need. They need their mom to understand them. I am their advocate. Understanding is something that I never really got growing up. I was loved and taken care of, but no one, let alone myself understood why I acted the way that I did. I have been longing for that understanding by people for years. It seems that it had become the goal of my life. Will anyone understand me? Truly? Who knows. I am too crazy to be understood most of the time, yet I blend in with everyone else. That, I believe, is what really makes it difficult. I blend in, so I don't fully have an excuse to act the way I do...so I hide it; the eccentricity, the anxiety, the jumping from one thing to the next like a teenager. Just being me is like being an 18 year old that must repress acting like an 18 year old...else I will simply look crazy. Does anyone else get what I mean?